AGGRESSIVENESS

AGGRESSIVENESS

Taking the Menace Out of Dennis

Many children go through a period--between the ages of two and four--when hitting, kicking and biting are forms of communication, often their only way of saying, ''I'm angry'' or ''I want that.'' Without the language or social skills to get what they want, they're likely to express their frustration with flying fists or sharp baby teeth.

Although it's a normal developmental stage, aggression can become a way of life. Kids who don't learn to replace their violent eruptions with more civilized behavior, such as sharing, turn-taking and verbal negotiating, often go on to become full-time bullies, says James Bozigar, a licensed social worker and coordinator of community relations for the Family Intervention Center at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. Fighting gets them the things they want but makes them feared and unpopular.

If your child is going through this phase, he'll probably get over it before long. But just to nudge his progress a bit (and help protect others!), here are a few techniques to help your child curb his aggressive tendencies.

Love that victim. If you witness your preschool child striking another, make your first move toward his victim, advises pediatrician Robert Mendelson, M.D., clinical professor of pediatrics at Oregon Health Sciences University in Portland. ''Pick up the victim. Say, 'Jimmy didn't mean to hurt you.' Give the victim a big hug and kiss and take him out of the room.''

What you are doing is depriving your child of attention, a playmate and you, all at the same time. Suddenly, his fun is gone and he's alone. ''It usually doesn't take more than two or three responses like that until the aggressor realizes that being the aggressor isn't in his best interest,'' says Dr. Mendelson.

Lay down the law. Early on, get your toddler used to the idea of rules. ''Just say, ' We don't hit, we don't hurt,' '' says Lottie Mendelson, R.N., a pediatric nurse practitioner in Portland, Oregon, and coauthor of The Complete Book of Parenting, with her husband, Robert. With children aged four and over, the law can be a little more detailed. '' You can say, 'In our house, the rule is: If you want a toy, you ask for it, and if the person doesn't give it to you, you wait,' '' suggests Bozigar.

Be their guardian angel. Children who strike out physically often cannot control their tempers. For example, when another child has a toy he wants, a hot-tempered child is likely to act impulsively and wrestle it away. He may need to be reminded frequently about the rules you've set.

''Be his adjunct ego or guardian angel,'' says William Sobesky, Ph.D., assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Colorado Health Sciences Center and research psychologist at Children's Hospital, both in Denver. '' When a child's aggression starts to escalate, point out to him what he is doing and give him alternatives. Say, 'In this situation you may feel like hitting, but that's not okay. You can tell me you're angry. You can tell me you feel like hitting, but it's not okay to do it.' ''

Beware the mouth that roars. Don't overlook verbal aggression--it's often the start of something bigger. ''A child can have a mouth that 'pushes a button,' causing a playmate to strike back,'' says Lottie Mendelson. When that happens, be careful not to blame the hitter and allow the instigator to go free. The child who speaks aggressively and starts throwing ''verbal punches'' should also be reprimanded, she notes.

Call a time-out. A cooling-off period is often the most effective way to change bad behavior. Bozigar says younger children should be placed on a chair away from all distractions for two to three minutes, and older children should be sent to their rooms.

''Just don't do it in a punitive way,'' he says. ''Make it clear you're taking this action because you want things to work out and you want everyone to be happy. Say, ' You can't stop hitting, and I want you to have control of that. So I'm going to help you. I'm going to give you time-out for two or three minutes until you're in control on the inside.' ''

Praise good efforts. When children respond in an appropriate way, make sure to reinforce it. ''Tell them, 'I like the way you did that,' '' says Bozigar. Kids respond better to praise that reflects how their behavior makes their parents feel.
''Saying 'good boy' or 'good girl' is often lost on children,'' he says. ''It's better to say, 'It made me feel so great on the inside when I saw you sharing with your little brother instead of hitting him. It made me feel I could trust you with him.' That kind of praise is very meaningful to children. It makes them feel that they've had an impact on you.''

Create scenarios for success. A child who bullies others learns very quickly that physical aggression has only limited success. It may get him the toy he wants or a turn on the swing, but he's likely to find himself friendless and lonely. He may be very motivated to work on other alternatives.

'' You want kids to develop critical thinking skills,'' says Bozigar. First, talk about what happens when the child uses aggression. ''If your child is always beating up other kids at the playground, you can say, ' What happens to you when you do that?' He may say, 'I get into trouble with the playground monitor, the principal calls me into his office and I have detention.' Then you can say, 'That's not a success for you. What can we do to give you a success?' Kids really respond to that.''

Once the child realizes he's getting in trouble, you can start him thinking about possible solutions, Bozigar points out. For example, if he's being aggressive on the playground, you might want to practice different ways of getting involved in activities. Urge him to ask nicely whether he can join in--or to toss a ball back from out-of-bounds until the other kids ask him to play.

Use a scrapbook to scrap bad behavior. With a younger child who's beginning to show signs of aggressiveness, Bozigar recommends that you make up a little storybook with the child as the hero. Using pictures cut from magazines or photographs of the child himself, show situations where the child uses verbal or other problem-solving skills to deal with his frustration. Talk with him about these options. ''Do it at a time when the child is not in the midst of emotional turmoil,'' he says. '' When those emotions are up, it's hard to bring them down.''

Share the fantasy. One technique that is often effective in helping children gain a new perspective on their behavior is to grant in fantasy what you can't in real life, says Bozigar. ''A child who thinks he should have the playground all to himself can have it--in fantasy. Say, 'Okay, for the rest of the week, Tommy is the only one who is allowed on the playground. No one is allowed on the swings but Tommy, and everyone is going to have to stand around and applaud.' ''

Once Tommy sees that his wildest dreams are just that--and funny, to boot--bring him back to earth. ''Say, ' Yeah, that sounds cool, but in real life you have to share the playground. So let's talk about another way we can make this a success for you,' '' says Bozigar.

Use force as the last resort. Forceful restraint should be used only when a child is putting himself or someone else in danger, says Dr. Sobesky. ''If you must use physical restraint, approach the child from behind, pulling his arms down. Wrap your legs around his legs and keep your chin away from his head.''

Be aware that restraint may increase rage in some children. ''But others may find it reassuring that you can control them,'' he says. ''Just make sure you hold your child in a comforting, nonaggressive way so he doesn't feel he's being attacked.''


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